


Stargazing on a Sleepless Night

by Bara_no_Uta



Category: Incredibles (Pixar Movies)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash February, Femslash February 2019, Polyamorous Helen Parr, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 14:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18719107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: “I don’t know much about constellations, but I’ve always found looking at the stars to be relaxing,” Helen said, running her hand through Evelyn’s hair. A silence hung between them until she asked, “So… do you want to talk about what’s keeping you up?”“Not really.”“Do you think it would help?”She sighed again, admitting, “It might.”***Late fill for Femslash February '19: Day 6, The Moon





	Stargazing on a Sleepless Night

               Helen woke as her girlfriend rolled over her next to her for what had to be at least the twentieth time that night. Looking at the clock and finding it to be over an hour since they had initially gone to bed, she turned to face her. “Can’t sleep?”

               Evelyn winced slightly at the sound of Helen’s voice, fairly sure that Helen – unlike her – had been able to successfully fall asleep at least once tonight and must have been woken by her tossing and turning. “Yeah. Sorry for keeping you up too.”

               She shook her head. Having trouble sleeping wasn’t something Evelyn could control, so she would never hold it against her. Besides, it wasn’t often that she was able to spend the night here – most nights she was home with Bob and the children – and it was only the responsible mother side of her that made them go to sleep instead of making the most of it staying up all night.

               “I can’t stop thinking,” she sighed, running a hand through her already messy hair.

               Helen opened her mouth to ask, then had an idea. “I heard that if you can’t sleep after 30 minutes, you should just get out of bed for a while. What do you say we get a change of scenery?”

               The question surprised her, considering it was the middle of the night, but curiosity and the desire to spend more time with Helen – and honestly the exhaustion weighing on her – led her not to even hesitate before agreeing. “Where to?”

               She slipped on some pajamas and waited for Evelyn to do the same, then took her by the hand and went outside. In a grassy clearing of the yard, she laid down, motioning for Evelyn to be close.

               Normally insistent on being the big spoon, this time Evelyn caved and rested her head on Helen’s chest as the two of them looked up at the sky. It was a clear night, and the moon was nearly full.

               “I don’t know much about constellations, but I’ve always found looking at the stars to be relaxing,” Helen said, running her hand through Evelyn’s hair. A silence hung between them until she asked, “So… do you want to talk about what’s keeping you up?”

               “Not really.”

               “Do you think it would help?”

               She sighed again, admitting, “It might.” Evelyn was quiet as she tried to decide whether she should talk about it or not, and then where to even begin. She appreciated that Helen didn’t push further, having made the point she wanted and now leaving the decision up to her. “I don’t know how you can forgive me for what I did – how you can _love_ me after it. I don’t deserve it.”

               “Everybody deserves love. And forgiving you… You made a mistake, because you were in pain. You’ve regretted it, you won’t do it again, so of course I forgive you.”

               “You treat me like I’m a good person, but I don’t think I am.” Her voice was so quiet it was almost lost in the light breeze.

               “I don’t think there are any ‘good’ or ‘bad’ people. We’re just people doing our best.” Once upon a time, she had believed in “good vs. bad” – after all, it was pretty much one of the basic beliefs for a new superhero. The people who protected others were heroes and good people, and the people who caused problems were villains and bad people. But sometimes heroic acts, while minimizing damage, still caused problems, and nobody was perfect. “I can’t forgive villains who do the same things over and over, but if someone’s willing to change, that’s different.”

               She didn’t know how to absorb Helen’s words. Evelyn appreciated knowing that Helen truly did not think of her as a bad person, but it did nothing to assuage the deep-seated feeling that she was just foundationally _bad_. Normally when Helen wasn’t here, she would drink to numb herself, but she knew it wasn’t healthy and felt self-conscious to allow someone to know that was how she coped.

               “You’re not convinced,” Helen observed, more of an educated guess based on the fact that Evelyn remained tense and didn’t respond.

               “Sorry,” she said again, not knowing how to stop feeling completely worthless. She knew Helen would be sad to hear how she felt about herself, and that knowledge made her feel guilty for her thoughts, but she just didn’t know how to change them.

               “It’s okay.” She thought for a while, still absent-mindedly stroking Evelyn’s hair. It wasn’t the first time she had noticed that her girlfriend’s self-esteem was pretty much in the gutter. She had thought that perhaps it would pass, the regret dulling over time with forgiveness, but if anything, it only seemed to be getting worse. “Ev, I’m going to ask you a personal question, and I need you to be completely honest with me.” Even so, she waited for permission before continuing.

               “…Okay.” It made her nervous, but she could hear the concern in Helen’s voice, and answering seemed like the least she could do. Whatever it was, she knew it was something Helen was asking because she cared.

               “When was the last time you were really happy?”

               The question caught her off guard, so much that she felt almost as though the wind had been knocked out of her. She wanted to say she was happy when she was with Helen, and it was true that she was happ _ier_ … but it wasn’t the genuine happiness Helen was asking about. Deep down, she knew what Helen was getting at. “I don’t know. I enjoy being with you, and Win most of the time…”

               She nodded, having expected something like that. “You know, when I was in high school, I went through a time where I was worried, about everything, all the time. Sometimes I could forget about it, but it was always there.”

               It was hard to imagine that from Helen, who seemed almost fearless to her now. And yet, it was painfully familiar – just replace ‘worried’ with ‘sad’ and the words could have come from her own mouth. “What did you do?”

               “My parents brought me to talk to somebody. I hated it at first – I was mad; I thought therapy was only for… well, not something that just anybody might need. But it really helped.”

               Defensiveness fluttered in her chest, but she was too exhausted to muster the energy to get particularly mad about it. If Helen hadn’t been speaking from a place of experience, it would be different, but… “I’ll look into it tomorrow.”

               “I’m glad. Let me know, okay? And if you need any help, or want me to go with you.”

               Evelyn nodded, not sure what to say. The support she was so certain she didn’t deserve made her uncomfortable, even if she appreciated it at the same time.

               Helen exhaled a deep breath, her heart aching at the knowledge of how much pain Evelyn was in. “You deserve to be happy, Evelyn.”

               _Lies._ But she knew that Helen wasn’t lying to her. Mistaken, maybe, but Helen truly believed those words. Part of her wanted to believe them too, but part of her didn’t dare believe something that felt so inaccurate and self-serving.

               “It’s okay if you don’t believe me. But I believe in you that someday you will.”

               The two of them laid in comfortable silence until Helen heard Evelyn’s breathing slow. She waited a while longer to ensure Evelyn was in a deep enough sleep she wouldn’t wake her in the process, then carefully picked her up and carried her to bed.


End file.
